Author: Rocky Hernandez
August 10- 16, 2017 RHV003
Why I love Art.
Rocky’s Top Ten Bible themed Halloween Costumes
10. Adam and Eve (GENESIS CHAPTER 2): this costume is a couple classic and pretty much a thing at every adult Halloween costume party that you will go to, Christian or not.
9. Balaam’s Donkey (NUMBERS 22: 21-39): What a talking Donkey! Take this costume a step up by having your BFF dress as a sorcerer (Balaam) and beat you with a whip all night.
8. Mamma bear (2 KINGS 2:23-25): Going with the animals in the bible theme, how about the bear that the prophet Elisha has maul a group of teens that are making fun of him for being bald. Get a bear costume and dress it up with a severed arm.
7. Defeated Sampson (JUDGES CHAPTER 16): For this you will need a strong man out fit (or a strong body) a shaved head and bloody gauze over your eyes. Make it a couples costume by having your girlfriend dress as Delilah
6. Eglon king of Moab (JUDGES CHAPTER 3): Wear a fat suit and have the top of a sword come out of it. Your friend can go as the prophet Ehud.
5: Egyptian Covered in Boils (Exodus chapter 9): For this you will need and Egyptian costume and to be covered in boils.
4: Drowned Egyptians (Exodus Chapter 14): For this you will need an Egyptian costume a pale blue is face and probably oil of some sort to give you that wet look.
3: Demon-Possessed Man (Mark chapter 5): Think a hulk out fit with broken chains on your hands and feet.
2: Defeated Goliath (1 Samuel 17): Dress like an ancient solider and create a wound in the middle of you r forehead, next level this costume by making it look your head has been severed. Alternatively go as David carrying a severed head.
1: Zombie Lazarus (John 11:38- 34): This is what I am going to be this year. Dress like a mummy with an exposed face, painted white. (Technically he was not a zombie but he was raised from the dead).
Think: perception Vs. Truth
I’m auditioning for a TED event. This is my submission, I’ll keep you updated.
10 moments of 2010 that I will never forget
- I have a bad habit of sneaking into places that I’m not supposed to be, it’s a little known Rocky fact, except that I am always taking people with me. What can I say, I like adventure. Early in the year Josh Frink and I went to the top of a very tall very fancy hotel, where we sneaked past guests, security, and card key entry points to the roof-just to see if they really had a heated pool. They do. (ca January)
- Running around Downtown Dallas as a Roman Gladiator. It was the Urban Dare. Ivan B. and I dominated in came in 35th or something like that, good times in deed. (ca May)
- Hilton head South Carolina, went there to perform the wedding of long time friends, and had such great time hanging out with them and being on the beach. Also stopped in Atlanta, GA and had lunch with Ian McCarty. It was great seeing him again. (ca JUNE 11)
- 18 hour train ride from Kiev to Simferopol. A 18 hour train ride full of drunk Ukrainians is not necessarily fun. What was wonderful was getting to spend time with Lauren Wolfe, and Curtis Cook. We had a 2 liter of coke and commandeered a cabin and talked it out. On another occasion Curtis and I were inside our room on a really rainy day and decided to narrate incredibly sad stories to each other using incredibly sad instrumental music as a background. (ca June 26)
- Simferopol, Kiev, Yalta. Worked at a camp with teenagers, who insisted on having a dance party every night. I learned tectonic dram style. Flirted with a Ukrainian translator, learned you should never drink too much smoked plum juice, especially if you have to climb the equivalent of the steps of Tenochtitlan to get to a toilet/ shower (they were basically a single unit (not kidding)). We ate ham omelets for breakfast because it was the only thing in Russian I could order. I will never forget the pregnant lady in a bikini I saw while strolling along the Black sea. You go Girl! (ca June 30)
- London England. Toured the city, had a ball and pub crawled. I will be returning there soon. Got to spend some time knowing Doug W., nothing beats talking about life over a pint, or 5. Navigated the underground with ease and learned to appreciate the phrase “mind the gap” Gave a donation to help maintain the Tower of London, citizens of UK you are welcome. (ca July 5)
- Telling the youth group at VVCC that I had resigned. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have had to do a lot of hard things. (ca August 18)
- Feeding a fox from hand in Breckenridge, CO. Very good friends of mine have a house in Breckenridge. They flew me there because they knew, (better than I did), that I needed the encouragement. They were right. (ca August 31)
- Finding a new job at Eastridge Park Christian Church. There have been very few times in my life when I was absolutely certain that something was the right thing to do. Accepting the Job at Eastridge is one of them. So far, its been pretty great. (ca December )
- God giving me exactly what I need, and using his church to do it. This year the Lord has provided for me through countless people. A train in the Ukraine, a pub in London, a hot tub in the mountains, a church full of people I had never met, a temporary church home at Bridgeway Christian Church, Playing darts, a crazy bachelor party, Cigars with friends and countless other stories and interactions have made all the difference. I can hardly wait to see what 2011 is going to be like.
10 Worst Ministry Experiences (a re-post)
My Grandfather’s Gun
Originally uploaded by jacq_kellie
10. During hour 23 of your 36 hour fast, one of your students gets ill and vomits water and bile all over your had. Survivor secret: Smile- pretend that you get thrown up on all the time, and remember Neosporin is wonderful salve for any chemical burns you might have.
9. Six of your students get lost in the mountains while mountain biking in Virginia on a trail that no one has ever gotten lost on. Survivor secret: Take a deep breath, steel a jeep, and remember your students are constantly criticized for their beauty, but no one has ever accused them of being smart.
8. At camp a demon possessed boy freaks out during worship and tries to beat you up. Survivor Secret: Be A MAN!!- You’re going to get hit. Pray while you are running through the woods, and when the moments right, tackle him in a gazebo. The camps insurance will take care of the rest.
7. 80 year old widow in your congregation has umm- a “spiritual itch” she wants you to scratch. When her weekly advances fail she writes $1000 check to your college in order to pay for your final semester of tuition. Survivor Secret: Okay- one date, limited physical contact, don’t take her dancing, and guess what, you get to quit on of your 3 jobs. Besides a date is a date.
6. Psychopath brings gun to your office. Survivor Secret: don’t look surprised. Say something like, “Hey Mr. Crazed killer, so you say Jesus told you to kill. Weird! That is so not like him!! ha, ha, ha- could you not point that at me.”
5. While in Mexico, 6th grader drinks the water. Dr. Garcia Ramirez DeLaFuenta prescribes a suppository, for the uncontrollable vomiting. Mom and dad are 1,563 miles away. Survivor Secret: wear a glove, lots of jelly, and go in at least an inch or else it pops back out. (Can’t emphasize the glove enough- it’s seriously illegal if you don’t wear a glove)
4. Your crazy ex- girlfriend shows up at church on the same day that you are using the story of your tragic last date as a sermon illustration. Survivor Secret: Use the illustration!! Be specific without being obvious. Make sure that the illustration is told in such away that everyone hates the girl character in the story. This is unethical, but man it feels good.
3. While checking your email early Monday morning after a very long two week run at camp you type in hotmale instead of hotmail. Survivor secret: Run out of the office screaming while covering your eyes. Head directly into your senior ministers office and make him take the evil sodomites, and 80 pop ups of your computer. Remind your self continually that just because you do not have a girlfriend right now doesn’t mean you are gay.
2. You are taking a woman (who turns out is mentally ill and off her medication) home. She is in the front seat, while one of the boys from your youth group is in the backseat. In an effort to seduce you she turns the radio up, then pulls her tank top down to show you her “sparkly new bra”. Survivor secret: You are so screwed. The best you can hope is that this is not the first set of well whatever that he has seen and that his parents have a good since of humor. If the student happens to be home schooled, well just pray that that never happens.
1. All the boys like the hot new “girl” in the youth group. But in reality she is a homosexual boy living out his alternative life style. Survivor secret: take the guys to the church kitchen between Sunday school and second service. Grab a hot dog and a donut. It’s time for an object lesson.
My Sister’s Ghost
I was at my sister’s apartment the other day when she started asking me questions about ghosts. Being a minister I get asked questions like this all the time so it’s no big deal. I got the usual, “Is there really such things as ghosts, and can they hurt you?” type stuff. Since it was my sister I asked her what was going because these questions are usually followed by a ghost story. She told me that in the house her and her boyfriend lived in, she noticed strange things, like the blender coming on and turning off, and other things like that.
If that were not creepy enough, she told me that one day her and her daughter were taking pictures with her cell phone (my niece loves to have her picture taken). As my sister was snapping the shot my niece fell to the ground. This is the image that was on her camera phone. This is not an altered image, it is exactly how she sent it to me: From her cell phone to mine. You can see my sister’s leg in jeans and my nieces leg at the bottom of the picture. What do you think?
Here is the same picture with details pointed out.
So what do you think? Pretty Creepy…
Everything smells like you today
Like you did that night there were so many stars
it was if they’d come to church
And we were the object of their worship
The wind blew and sweetness of your skin
Captured my senses
Refused to let me go
I will never forget that smell
Everything looks like you today
Like you did when the orange light of the morning
Spilled across your face
Trying to compete with your beauty
Your eyes looked in mine
Captured my heart
Refused to let me go
I will never forget that look
Everything tastes like you today
Like you did when we shared a cup of coffee
To hide from the rain
It was our moment
You leaned over and I kissed you
Captured my soul
Refused to let it go
I will never forget that taste
Everything sounds like you today
Like you did when you told me you were leaving
The breaking of my heart
Drowning out your words
Your words were silent
I was captive
I refused to let you go
I will never forget that sound
Everything feels like you today
Like you did when you walked away from me
Pretending that I’m not here
Like it never really happened
We never talked again
Still I’m captive
I haven’t let go
I haven’t forgotten