Jesus said that his yoke was easy and his burden was light. This has not been my experience. Here recently I feel as though I might be crushed under the weight of that yoke.

I have trust issues: I wonder if I will ever completely submit to God’s will.
My confession is that I don’t always believe that God is looking out for my best interest. In my more selfish moments it is easy for me to believe that He is more concerned about His will for my life than He is for me.

I have this dream that God is building me, that He is literally attaching my arms and legs. While He is doing it, we are having this conversation.

GOD: Rocky I have this incredible plan for your life. You will be a great minister, you will be wise. You will be able to point a lost hurting world to Me, and they will remember that I am always with them. It will be awesome, someday.

Rocky: It sounds great. But you said, “Someday”, what does that mean?

GOD: It means that I have to destroy everything about you.

Rocky: Everything?

God: Everything.

Rocky: You can’t use me like I am, the way that you are making me?

GOD: No, no I can’t. I am building you this way to crush you, Rocky. The best thing about you will be your brokenness. Your suffering is the only thing that I will be able to use. You will be like an ugly wooden spoon, functional but without glory. You will serve a single purpose, you will struggle and people will glory in me because you won’t give up. In that way you will be my trophy, something that I can use to show the world how magnificent I am.

Rocky: But what about what I want?

God: Rocky, (He looks me in the eyes with patience) don’t worry about that. Someday you will find everything in this world so unbearable and pointless that you will decide that all you want is me, and eventually ( if you don’t give up) you will find peace in that. Remember even Christ learned obedience through suffering.

Rocky: Will I ever not struggle?

God: Only if you can ever stop wanting things or stop expecting things, or stop believing that you deserve things that you do not. If you can get to the point where you can say that what I want is more important than your life, then you will be okay.

Rocky: I don’t like that. It makes you seem harsh, and uncaring.

God: The clay cannot tell the potter what it wants to be Rocky. It is harsh. You know contrary to popular belief I am not just hugs and kisses all the time. I am also a God of wrath. But even in My wrath you will know that I am good.

I just stare at Him as He finishes putting me together. I am not sure if I am more scared, or angry. Just before He sends me to earth He says, “Rocky, this is going to hurt, but it won’t last forever.”

So here I am: learning obedience through suffering, and purging desire through myown brokenness.
Its not easy, it really hard sometimes. He was right though, I can still see His goodness, even in His wrath. Mercy and judgment, as it turns out, are two sides of the same coin.