10. During hour 23 of your 36 hour fast, one of your students gets ill and vomits water and bile all over your had. Survivor secret: Smile- pretend that you get thrown up on all the time, and remember Neosporin is wonderful salve for any chemical burns you might have.
9. Six of your students get lost in the mountains while mountain biking in Virginia on a trail that no one has ever gotten lost on. Survivor secret: Take a deep breath, steel a jeep, and remember your students are constantly criticized for their beauty, but no one has ever accused them of being smart.
8. At camp a demon possessed boy freaks out during worship and tries to beat you up. Survivor Secret: Be A MAN!!- You’re going to get hit. Pray while you are running through the woods, and when the moments right, tackle him in a gazebo. The camps insurance will take care of the rest.
7. 80 year old widow in your congregation has umm- a “spiritual itch” she wants you to scratch. When her weekly advances fail she writes $1000 check to your college in order to pay for your final semester of tuition. Survivor Secret: Okay- one date, limited physical contact, don’t take her dancing, and guess what, you get to quit on of your 3 jobs. Besides a date is a date.
6. Psychopath brings gun to your office. Survivor Secret: don’t look surprised. Say something like, “Hey Mr. Crazed killer, so you say Jesus told you to kill. Weird! That is so not like him!! ha, ha, ha- could you not point that at me.”
5. While in Mexico, 6th grader drinks the water. Dr. Garcia Ramirez DeLaFuenta prescribes a suppository, for the uncontrollable vomiting. Mom and dad are 1,563 miles away. Survivor Secret: wear a glove, lots of jelly, and go in at least an inch or else it pops back out. (Can’t emphasize the glove enough- it’s seriously illegal if you don’t wear a glove)
4. Your crazy ex- girlfriend shows up at church on the same day that you are using the story of your tragic last date as a sermon illustration. Survivor Secret: Use the illustration!! Be specific without being obvious. Make sure that the illustration is told in such away that everyone hates the girl character in the story. This is unethical, but man it feels good.
3. While checking your email early Monday morning after a very long two week run at camp you type in hotmale instead of hotmail. Survivor secret: Run out of the office screaming while covering your eyes. Head directly into your senior ministers office and make him take the evil sodomites, and 80 pop ups of your computer. Remind your self continually that just because you do not have a girlfriend right now doesn’t mean you are gay.
2. You are taking a woman (who turns out is mentally ill and off her medication) home. She is in the front seat, while one of the boys from your youth group is in the backseat. In an effort to seduce you she turns the radio up, then pulls her tank top down to show you her “sparkly new bra”. Survivor secret: You are so screwed. The best you can hope is that this is not the first set of well whatever that he has seen and that his parents have a good since of humor. If the student happens to be home schooled, well just pray that that never happens.
1. All the boys like the hot new “girl” in the youth group. But in reality she is a homosexual boy living out his alternative life style. Survivor secret: take the guys to the church kitchen between Sunday school and second service. Grab a hot dog and a donut. It’s time for an object lesson.