I worry, because I am a minister who needs a savior so badly, that I am a stumbling block for some people.
I have been asked by people not talk so openly about my struggles. I have been criticized for the way I dress, (to sloppy, tuck your shirt in), the length of my hair, my sleeping habits, my work habits, I spend too much time in the office, I don’t spend enough time in the office, and even my weight (because it revealed obvious sin in my life). Not to mention my struggles with actual sin, and the human condition.
It doesn’t make me mad I actually understand it. For most church goers the life of a minister is a lofty idea they hope someday to attain. We ministers feed this attitude because we walk around hoping no one finds out the truth. Not reaching out to others in our congregation when we need help created this problem. Don’t be too upset with us, I work at a church of about 700 people: nobody wants to disappoint that many people.
Here is my confession; I am not very dynamic, nor do I network very well. I am not so impressive and handsome that people are drawn to me, nor to the LORD because of me. Yet I try very hard to be that person, but only because I would hate to keep someone in the church from knowing God because of something as silly as the material my pants are made of. I know I fail at being that all the time, but I will always keep trying for their sake. After all I am Christ’s ambassador, not my own person.
So why put myself through all of this? I am a minister because I need Jesus more than anyone I have ever met. I’m desperate, and needy, and lost. I was the kid who was so unlovable I was abandoned by my mother, ignored by father, and brutally beat by the woman who raised me. I was dirty, and poor beyond reason, and I know in my heart that I deserved that and so much more.
One day I met God, and He loved, and He didn’t care how good I was, or how clean I was, or that I was poor. He loved me, and it gave me so much peace, suddenly all of the suffering didn’t matter. Someone finally loved me, and it changed my life forever.
When I saw God, when I got just a glimpse of his mercy, what choice did I have? You can’t be shown as much grace as I have been shown and not devote your entire self to Him. I know I can never pay Him back for the grace He has given me. Yet every fiber in my being is compelled to give Him anything, everything I can, because He is so good. I admit I am embarrassed how lacking the best I have to give Him is. But if all I have to give the King is crumbs then I need to give those to Him, because I know in my heart of hearts that with out His grace, my life is not okay. I am not okay.